Going Back to Work

I spend a lot of time educating my patients on how to take care of themselves, how to manage their new diagnosis, how to feed their newborn babies, etc. Nursing is all about education and teaching. It's one of the things I absolutely love about my profession. There is nothing more satisfying than sitting down with my patients and rooting them on with a newfound skill. The confidence and assurance in their faces knowing that they are thinking in their minds "yes, I can do this!" is something that certainly keeps me going in my career. I'm all about empowerment. You know what I didn't learn though? How to prepare a family member to go back to work. When is a good time? How do you teach someone to not feel guilty about going back to the workplace? When is too soon? 

This, now, was something I was facing on my own. I was granted intermittent FMLA for at least six months. This will allow me to take Billy to and from his appointments and also to stay home if there isn't anyone available to stay with him throughout the day. However, there is also the business side of when your family member is sick. Something I personally had never experienced before. Not even when I had my babies. With my older two children, I was a stay-at-home mom and didn't have to worry about things like FMLA, short term disability, etc. When my youngest son was born, I was a newborn photographer and didn't have benefits. So, therefore, I went back to work when my son was only 2 weeks old because that was all I could afford to take off of work. So, silly me was sitting here relieved that I was granted FMLA. What I didn't realize was that FMLA only covers you for work excuses so that you basically aren't at risk for losing your job if you call off work. What it doesn't do, is pay for that time you take off work. Thank goodness a friend of mine asked me "Do you have enough sick time hours to cover that so you can still get paid?" That's when I realized that I knew nothing about how all of this works. The business of being sick.

It's hard to run back and forth to the hospital, take care of your family, deal with the grieving process, and then make sure you have your head on straight enough to deal with all of the business and paperwork associated with keeping your job while your family member is sick. This was a lot and I was afraid that I was going to slip up, miss something, and end up screwing things up for my family and my husband. Not going to lie, I was feeling the pressure. As soon as I realized that in order to get paid, I was going to have to make sure I had enough sick days, I began to panic. Back in March, I had used at least 3 weeks of sick time to cover when I had COVID-19 which came out of my personal sick time bank. The new implementation of Pandemic Sick Leave didn't take effect until April 1st. Pandemic Sick Leave did not come out of my personal sick bank. I was back to work by April 5th and was only able to utilize two of those Pandemic Sick days. So now, because the impact of being sick with COVID-19 hit my sick bank hard, I was concerned how many of those days I already took off was going to affect my ability to take care of my husband once he was discharged home with me. I promptly logged into my employee benefits and discovered what I had been dreading. I had only 1 more day left of paid sick leave and approximately 8 days of vacation time that my manager told me I could use to cover FMLA call offs if needed. Sure, I could call off anytime for FMLA purposes, but I wouldn't necessarily get paid for it. Since I was the breadwinner of the family now, this was more crucial than ever that I continue to bring in a steady paycheck. I knew I needed to save up as many of those days that I had left to use in case of emergencies when I couldn't coordinate someone to stay with Billy, drive him to his appointments, or drive the kids to and from their visitations, etc. I needed to plan for at least 6 months to a year of appointments. I was going to have to go back to work by Wednesday. I dreaded this. I was scared and sad and I felt like I was abandoning my husband. Coordinating with his family on who was going to take Billy and the kids where they needed to go was overwhelming to say the least. The one thing I dreaded when I was a single mom was who was going to watch my kids while I worked? Now, here I was thinking, who is going to watch my husband while I go to work? It was very odd and surreal.  

Wednesday came sooner than I thought it would. I texted one of my coworkers who checked in on me. I told her I was scared. Last time I had been at work, my husband had a stroke. The smells, sounds, and feelings of everything that happened that day might be too much. What if all the sudden I started to cry? I absolutely hate crying in front of people, especially at work. My coworker assured me that she would be there for a big hug if I needed it. I'm not much of a hugger, but I might need one. 

10:05am, I needed to be at work by 11:00am. Billy tried to make me feel better by joking with me that now I was his "sugar mama." I laughed and stated, "Oh hunny, there's no sugar here my love. I'm more of a Splenda mama." It helped to lighten the mood, but already felt a tinge of sadness. I slipped on my freshly laundered scrubs and took a look in the mirror. I've always felt very proud when I wore my nursing scrubs. I thought about how Billy might never wear his scrubs again. It hurt my heart, I knew how proud he was to be a nurse. I then walked over to my sewing machine and picked up a new scrub cap that I had sewn the night before. It was made from Halloween fabric I had used 10 years ago to make my daughter her Halloween skirt. I thought sewing something from a material that reminded me of my family might help me get through the day. I already started to feel more confident. I got into my vehicle and headed to the medical center. 

I swiped my badge into the clock and began my day. 10:54am, breathe. I slowly started walking down the hallway towards the nurses station. Head held low, I was sad and a bit shaken up from the last time I was here. What if I hear a stroke alert on the loud speaker? Will I tough it out, or will I bust out in tears? My world had stopped briefly, but the world here on the unit kept on going. Babies were still being born, every single person around me had their own lives to live. I need to join in and keep moving. I arrived at the nurses' desk and the support form my coworkers was overwhelming. I felt very loved and cared about. The charge nurse knew how much I loved working in the nursery. As a surprise, she sent me to go work in there for the first few hours. It certainly helped me ease back into the work life. I can do this, I can get back to a new normal.

Finally, I felt stronger and loved. I wasn't as scared anymore as when I first walked into work. Halfway through my shift I was giggling with my coworkers about life things. Normal stuff, silly stuff, funny stuff. It was nice to genuinely and truly laugh again. I checked in with my patients and their family member to make sure they had everything that they needed, that their questions were answered, and that they had all of the support that they needed. I helped a first time mother latch her baby on to breastfeed successfully for the first time. I walked out of her room feeling confident again in myself as a nurse and myself as a person. It was ok to grieve, but it was also ok to keep moving forward.

A stroke alert came over the intercom. I stood there and listened. My heart started to beat faster but it also instantly went out to the person who was going through this. Something my husband had just gone through two and a half weeks earlier. I took a minute, stopped, and began to send love and prayers for them and their family. I wasn't scared anymore, but I knew they were.